(Alternative Title: The Hawk freaks out about Death….. Again)
If I exclude the time that I was alive before the eclipse, I will live approximately 1080 years.
I will be in a human body for approximately one hundred and sixty of those years. My lifespan has basically been doubled. I will age slower than the average human, perhaps one year for every two years that I live. The human body will still wear down like any other human, and I will die.
After the human body wears down and finally dies, I will exist as a being in the spiritual realms. I will lose all of my humanity. My emotions, my empathy, my sense of morality. It is likely that my memories will also fade as time passes. Since the rest of the Godhand will likely be dead by this time, I will be alone. All that will be left for me to do is wait for the next person with a red behelit to despair. There will only be me, my employer, and the emptiness of the void.
Even before that, I’m going to find myself alone. My swordsman has been through enough stress and trauma (of both the physical kind and emotional kind) that I honestly doubt that he will live for 40 more years. Casca probably has longer, though it may only be a few more years. My wife, so long as she is not taken by childbirth, will likely reach her 70s. If I take a second wife, it is likely that she will die by the time that I am 150.
There is the possibility of another paramour after my current one dies. However, even losing my humanity and sacrificing Guts did little to shake my love of him. I doubt that death would lessen my love. I’m going to spend the last 10 years of my life alone, and likely more. It terrifies me. I don’t think I’m ready to lose everyone.
I think its for the best that I lose my ability to feel in 160 years.
Journal Entry
This country (America) is wealthy enough that the poorest of us do not have to farm for sustenance. Things that took months or years to make back home take minutes to buy from a store here.
Yet society is selfish enough and stratified enough that children starve and die of treatable diseases while the rich eat literal gold.
Not to be communist on main, but that’s highly broken. It says something about this world that you let this happen.
Casca Update
So something you may know if you talk to me, but not if you only follow this blog, but Casca is not a cis woman. He is what you’d call a “trans man” in modern vernacular, but what was unnamed in my time or referred to by euphemism. He was deeply closeted when I knew him. He really only opened up to me because he knew I was into men. I respected his gender identity as best I could, but I was not perfect as it was the 1500′s and people like him were hard to find outside the closets of a city.
Transition was not possible back home. However, he has started to transition here and seems happy about the changes his body is going through. I’m happy for him. He’s wanted this for as long as I’ve known him. I can only hope it goes smoothly for him and that he finds happiness as a man. Even Guts is on board and calls him by the correct pronouns. I thought I’d have to drag him into it kicking and screaming to get him to correctly gender him.
Back to Casca. We have talked a few more times. He was not happy to hear about Falconia, and is still not happy that I have achieved my goals, to the point that I have been told he went non-verbal. Before that, he was friendly and expressed a desire to stay with me. Now I think he wants me dead even more than he did before. I’m going to try and gently repair things, but If he tells me to fuck off, I will fuck off.
Journal Entry
I have fond feelings for the song playing when I arrived here. It’s a song by the person who wrote the soundtrack of The Anime You Might Know Me From. Its been associated with me, and because of that, Caleb was listening too it when I arrived. But I associate it with here, and the people here. With how they strive for better. How much they know and their thirst for discovery. It reminds me of the best of humanity here. The sense of wonder I get looking at this world. I know that this is not the intended reading of the song, but its the message I get from it, and it makes me happy.
The Song is Niwashi King by Susumu Hirasawa, for those of you who want to hear it in full.
I got to talk to Casca.
The Elephant in the Room has not been addressed yet. I do not look forward to that conversation. I plan on apologizing for my actions, but I am very aware that nothing can apologize for violating someone like that. I also plan on apologizing to him for a few non-Eclipse actions that I have committed. It’s not going to be fun but it will need to happen.
The Elephant in the Room aside, it was nice to talk to him. He was just as bold in his speech as I remember him being. He seemed to be doing as well as he could be, given the circumstances. He was rather tense, but it was something I honestly expected from him while talking to me. His dysphoria was bad enough that he didn’t want to talk in the AFAB vessel. I don’t know when I will get to talk to him again, but I really hope it can be sooner rather than later. He’s my lieutenant and shockingly enough I care about him.
I really hope he doesn’t find this blog.
I’m never going to understand this world. I’m never going to grasp their obsession with youth. I’m never going to have the experience of youth here and learning about this world implicitly like I know about mine. This place will never make sense to me.
It’s boring, grating, and corrupt. It’s a rotting world that I’ve been privileged to watch decay. Humans have replaced the commonplace atrocities of my time with a new, sadistic set that I can barely comprehend.
It’s fascinating and I’m growing to love this world with all it’s flaws.
Journal Entry
I’ve not written on here about personal dealings. I’ve just now settled in this headspace, and I want to “front” more than the host allows me to.
I seem to have made a friend here. Everyone calls her Fluffpuff, although that does not seem to be her real name. I was told she was 12 years old. She looks like a young girl, although I could see her as having reached the beginning of adolescence. She met me when I was taken back to headspace after running from Caleb’s yelling. Fluffpuff immediately took a liking to me for some reason. Everyone else is suspicious, reasonably so. Fluffpuff doesn’t like to leave my side. She really only accompanies me and her husband.
I enjoy her company. She seems to be attempting to cheer me up and asks me about my life and talks to me about things that interest her. She charms me and keeps me interested. I wish that she were a bit older as I much watch my words. She’s so easily horrified. I must care for her. She makes me feel less alone. Like I have companions again.
Falcon Feathers and White Hair 