(Alternative Title: The Hawk freaks out about Death….. Again)
If I exclude the time that I was alive before the eclipse, I will live approximately 1080 years.
I will be in a human body for approximately one hundred and sixty of those years. My lifespan has basically been doubled. I will age slower than the average human, perhaps one year for every two years that I live. The human body will still wear down like any other human, and I will die.
After the human body wears down and finally dies, I will exist as a being in the spiritual realms. I will lose all of my humanity. My emotions, my empathy, my sense of morality. It is likely that my memories will also fade as time passes. Since the rest of the Godhand will likely be dead by this time, I will be alone. All that will be left for me to do is wait for the next person with a red behelit to despair. There will only be me, my employer, and the emptiness of the void.
Even before that, I’m going to find myself alone. My swordsman has been through enough stress and trauma (of both the physical kind and emotional kind) that I honestly doubt that he will live for 40 more years. Casca probably has longer, though it may only be a few more years. My wife, so long as she is not taken by childbirth, will likely reach her 70s. If I take a second wife, it is likely that she will die by the time that I am 150.
There is the possibility of another paramour after my current one dies. However, even losing my humanity and sacrificing Guts did little to shake my love of him. I doubt that death would lessen my love. I’m going to spend the last 10 years of my life alone, and likely more. It terrifies me. I don’t think I’m ready to lose everyone.
I think its for the best that I lose my ability to feel in 160 years.
Signing off for the night.
Love your wife, even if you aren’t attracted to her. Love your man if you have one.
Have a nice night and do not forget to love each other.
Politics: Communism
…..I retract some of my previous statements. It is possible to reach a point that humanity will be able to collectivize without issue. Humanity is better than we think we are. Falconia itself is a proof of concept of that. It has smoothly run for about 6 years, with few hitches or problems. It’s viable to a degree that we have the equivalent of demons working with humans peaceably. We manage to get people into work that suits their skills and temperament, we have somewhat good healthcare as compared to our neighbors, and the disabled are not forced to work as they are here. The fact it didn’t immediately collapse in the months that I was gone is proof that it has some degree of staying power that wouldn’t be possible if it weren’t viable.
It could work here if people were given a while to adjust or enough tragedy to make a complete change acceptable. I have enough faith in humanity that I believe they could do it, even in this shithole of a universe. You’d still have a long hard fight against societal biases, though the fight would be less hard than it is now. Sexism, xenophobia, religious discrimination, and deform-phobia (I have no word for this) didn’t go away in Falconia because feudalism ended. I am still rooting out that bullshit after eight long years of fighting.
I still have concerns over leadership, as it would be necessary for the mass organization needed to not regress in some areas that are highly conservative or lose the modern level of technology needed for the high quality of healthcare that I envy this place for. Humans would still be needed for these leadership positions, and that room for error could still prove the weak link. You need someone capable of “running the show” near-perfectly at a national level as well as being able to prevent corruption at lower levels. If you wanted a series of smaller communities with a high level of interconnectivity, that might work, but would be fragile and have its own problems. It would still likely be the best option with how humanity is now.
If you want a leader, you’d need something like me. It could take the form of a computer, a committee, or even a human, but you couldn’t do it with an ordinary person. I have absolutely no interest in helping this universe with its own problems, and I have my hands full with Falconia already, not to mention my private life and *other* occupation. But I do wish you luck.
My apologies for the earlier cynicism. Half of my job is watching people sell their family and friends for power. I let my experiences with that cloud my judgment.
Journal Entry
This country (America) is wealthy enough that the poorest of us do not have to farm for sustenance. Things that took months or years to make back home take minutes to buy from a store here.
Yet society is selfish enough and stratified enough that children starve and die of treatable diseases while the rich eat literal gold.
Not to be communist on main, but that’s highly broken. It says something about this world that you let this happen.
Additional Content
I feel like I’ve not been doing enough on this blog. I’ve been thinking I should probably add a few things to this blog. I am thinking about adding:
-Fun facts about home.
-Discussion of memories and events in my life not talked about by the comic, misrepresented by it, or about details that were left out. There are things that happened that influenced me or that I remember strongly and I feel like discussing them would be interesting.
-Talking more about my life and silly interests here. There are plenty of things I can “drag” my headmates for, I could talk about how different bodies feel, vent about worries, chatter about bands and video games I enjoy.
-Limited discussion of Current events in Falconia. I couldn’t go into much detail, like exact battle plans, but I could, perhaps, talk about the issues we are encountering freeing the world from the influence of the Nightmares of Mankind.
-Talking about more… esoteric and taboo subjects about my life and my home. I highly doubt that I would ever go into the details of the Eclipse, for the love of god the manga shows too damn much already, but I would talk about the rest of the Godhand, the afterlife, things like that.
I am open to opinions and suggestions as long as they are polite. I don’t know what to talk about, what people would actually care about. I’m not *just* doing this for attention, In fact, I’m doing this as a form of self-expression, but I want to know what would actually interest humans from here. No point shouting into a void if the void is just you being ignored.
Tell nobody, but I have a secret passion for several bands here.
Another Minor Update
I managed to remove the brands on both of my comrades.
Because of this, Guts trusts me again and I am now dating him. It’s good to have him back. He makes me safe and I can trust him. I…. I don’t think I ever really knew how much I missed him.
I’m never going to leave him again.
Casca Update
So something you may know if you talk to me, but not if you only follow this blog, but Casca is not a cis woman. He is what you’d call a “trans man” in modern vernacular, but what was unnamed in my time or referred to by euphemism. He was deeply closeted when I knew him. He really only opened up to me because he knew I was into men. I respected his gender identity as best I could, but I was not perfect as it was the 1500′s and people like him were hard to find outside the closets of a city.
Transition was not possible back home. However, he has started to transition here and seems happy about the changes his body is going through. I’m happy for him. He’s wanted this for as long as I’ve known him. I can only hope it goes smoothly for him and that he finds happiness as a man. Even Guts is on board and calls him by the correct pronouns. I thought I’d have to drag him into it kicking and screaming to get him to correctly gender him.
Back to Casca. We have talked a few more times. He was not happy to hear about Falconia, and is still not happy that I have achieved my goals, to the point that I have been told he went non-verbal. Before that, he was friendly and expressed a desire to stay with me. Now I think he wants me dead even more than he did before. I’m going to try and gently repair things, but If he tells me to fuck off, I will fuck off.
A Coping Mechanism
On occasion, I will have bouts where I can only see myself in the negative, accompanied by a feeling of panic or fear. I also…. stop thinking of myself as Griffith.
The way I cope with this is by stating my name, basic facts about myself, listing who I am in relation to other people, and listing what good I have caused in the world. I do not bring up my non-humanity or status in the Godhand.
Example below a cut:
I am a human being named Griffith. I am the Husband of Charlotte, Mentor and Commander of Casca, and Lover of Guts.
I am the King of Falconia, I am the leader of the Band of the Hawk, ruler of apostles and men.
I was born a commoner to a whore, and rose through the ranks of Midland’s army to the status of royalty.
Were it not for me, the boy (Caleb) would be dead. Were it not for me, Casca would never have received therapy. Were it not for me, he would not be transitioning. Were it not for me, humanity would have been destroyed.
I am aware some of these are half-truths. I am also aware that were it not for some of my actions, that some things listed as good would not have been necessary. That’s not the point of this. Its just to get me out of a panic attack.
Journal Entry
I have fond feelings for the song playing when I arrived here. It’s a song by the person who wrote the soundtrack of The Anime You Might Know Me From. Its been associated with me, and because of that, Caleb was listening too it when I arrived. But I associate it with here, and the people here. With how they strive for better. How much they know and their thirst for discovery. It reminds me of the best of humanity here. The sense of wonder I get looking at this world. I know that this is not the intended reading of the song, but its the message I get from it, and it makes me happy.
The Song is Niwashi King by Susumu Hirasawa, for those of you who want to hear it in full.
Falcon Feathers and White Hair 