Journal Entry: Thanatology

(Alternative Title: The Hawk freaks out about Death….. Again)

If I exclude the time that I was alive before the eclipse, I will live approximately 1080 years.

I will be in a human body for approximately one hundred and sixty of those years. My lifespan has basically been doubled. I will age slower than the average human, perhaps one year for every two years that I live. The human body will still wear down like any other human, and I will die. 

After the human body wears down and finally dies, I will exist as a being in the spiritual realms. I will lose all of my humanity. My emotions, my empathy, my sense of morality. It is likely that my memories will also fade as time passes. Since the rest of the Godhand will likely be dead by this time, I will be alone. All that will be left for me to do is wait for the next person with a red behelit to despair. There will only be me, my employer, and the emptiness of the void. 

Even before that, I’m going to find myself alone. My swordsman has been through enough stress and trauma (of both the physical kind and emotional kind) that I honestly doubt that he will live for 40 more years. Casca probably has longer, though it may only be a few more years. My wife, so long as she is not taken by childbirth, will likely reach her 70s. If I take a second wife, it is likely that she will die by the time that I am 150.

There is the possibility of another paramour after my current one dies. However, even losing my humanity and sacrificing Guts did little to shake my love of him. I doubt that death would lessen my love. I’m going to spend the last 10 years of my life alone, and likely more. It terrifies me. I don’t think I’m ready to lose everyone. 

I think its for the best that I lose my ability to feel in 160 years.